Locations & Times

“And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Colossians 3:14 (ESV)

Zane and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary, and several people asked, “What is the secret to a long-lasting marriage?” For me, the answer is not simple. It’s not one secret ingredient, rather it’s the thousands of little choices we made, and continue to make, throughout four decades of married life. That’s 14,600 days, or 350,000 hours, or 21,024, 000 minutes of marriage and lots of choices.

But I would summarize it with this, we haven’t changed our minds. We took our marriage vows seriously and still choose to stay faithful to each other. 

We’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve experienced financially lean times, parenting a child with addiction, the loss of everything we own in the Marshall Fire, and health scares, to name a few. We’ve also struggled with what most marriages struggle with, communication (or lack of), conflict, intimacy, financial stress, exhaustion, and disappointment. 

We have not always made the right choice or always responded to each other in love. But, both of us know, without a doubt, neither of us will change our minds about staying married. Living with that kind of faithfulness produces peace and a sense of security in our relationship. 

We also know Jesus never changes His mind. “Jesus is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 (ESV). 

As a believer, I try to emulate Jesus. He is the perfect example of faithfulness and I’m sure this mindset has a huge influence in helping me stay committed even in times I feel like giving up.

I hope our commitment to each other also impacts our children and their own marriages. When one of our sons got married a few years ago, I talked with him and his bride about how the most important part of the wedding ceremony are the vows made in front of God and others. All the other details don’t matter much. They agreed. And, they wrote incredible vows that we were privileged to read before the wedding.

However, at the very beginning of the ceremony a humorous moment occurred that will remain with me as a reminder of the of the importance in a marriage to commit to not changing your mind. 

The bridal party stood in front of us as we waited for my future daughter-in-law to walk down the aisle. You could hear a pin drop. My son shuffled his feet and glanced around. The wait felt unusually long. 

My 92-year-old mother, who is hard of hearing, leaned over to me and said, too loudly, “Maybe she changed her mind.” I pretended I didn’t hear her, so she leaned over and said it even louder! The wedding party, those sitting near us, and even my son quietly laughed. He knew she wouldn’t change her mind because of their vows. 

Then the door opened, the music started and she walked down the aisle. Turns out she needed a few extra minutes to wipe away her happy tears and fix her make up. 

Today, if you’re struggling in your relationship with your spouse, think of small decisions you can make to assure him or her of your love and commitment. Ask yourself what is the most loving, unselfish, Christ-like response I can have in this moment? For example, choose to serve rather than complain about the lack of help you’re desiring around your home. Or if you find yourselves bickering, remember don’t fight to be right, but fight for your relationship. Write a love note with encouraging words even if you’re feeling discouraged. Or paste Colossians 3:14 on your mirror. As you’re getting ready every day this will remind you to “put on love.”

These choices will add up over a lifetime, fortifying your marriage and building a love that will last as long as you both shall live.*

If this encouraged you, check out more articles from our Flatirons Spiritual Formation Team for practical tools, encouragement, and ways to grow in your faith and leadership. Click here.