Locations & Times

He stopped talking. He didn’t grow silent; he went completely deafening. “Hello? Why aren’t you speaking? We are in the middle of a conversation.” He sat there, not even making eye contact. He shifted his position on the couch, stood up, and walked out of the room, slamming the basement door behind him. I stood there, tears streaming down my face, confused and hurt. What did I do? What did I say?

I plopped myself on the couch, defeated, replaying every sentence, every word, every gesture, to see where it went wrong. This may seem like “just another couple having an argument,” but, spiritually, so much more is happening. Communication in marriage is so much more than trying not to argue, because you will; it’s about giving each other grace when you don’t get it right. 

James 1:9 says to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. It’s a tall order James is suggesting to us, but he knows what he is talking about. What James is simplifying is grace. Grace is the gift of giving someone something they don’t deserve. Jesus does that for us everyday. Every time don’t listen and obey, every time we sin, Jesus gives us unconditional love and kindness just the same. He knows we make mistakes and will fall but He lets us know what we have done and doesn’t change His response: Grace. Being gracious to your spouse isn’t letting bad behavior slide but, being honest about what is happening and being open to forgive and working it out. 

Being quick to listen to your spouse is more than sitting there and not saying anything. It means being a careful and thoughtful listener, someone who gives serious attention and is absorbed in what the other person is saying. So, even if your spouse keeps interrupting you or just not listening, be the better listener. Patiently wait for them to finish and ask follow-up questions to make sure you understand them.

James also suggested being slow to speak. Proverbs 18:21 states that there is power of life and death in the tongue. Speaking curses, false titles, or even rude names to each other are words of death. As imperfect as you and your spouse are, God never created you to be a liar or rude, even if that is their behavior. That may be their current truth, but that is not their identity. Speak life over yourself; repeat God’s identity for them when they fall short of displaying it. God has given us identities; we choose our actions. So, if your spouse says something disrespectful or says something hurtful and low, give them grace, the gift of holding your tongue when they choose not to.

James says we need to be slow to anger. This isn’t being okay with what has happened to you but being patient, reflective, and forgiving to your spouse. We can’t let the spirit of offense infiltrate our marriages. We can’t let emotions cause a rift in our marriages where grace could fill it. So, if your spouse gets you worked up or to your boiling point, give them grace, the gift of being patient, attempt to understand your spouse, and forgive them, even if you don’t think they deserve it.

As I sat there on the couch, ready to go to bed, I decided to wait. I thought regardless of what we said to each other, the least I could do was take responsibility for my role in it.After 30 minutes of waiting, I almost drifted asleep. I jumped up at the sound of the basement door creaking open. He turned to me and asked why I wasn’t in bed. I told him that I wanted to make sure he was okay. He looked at me, baffled, as if that was pointless to do. He nodded and turned to head up the staircase to our room when I said, “I’m sorry.” 

He stopped and turned to me, listening but not responding. 

“I just wanted to say sorry, and I will wait until you are ready to talk… whenever that is” I said, calmly, almost unsure. 

He paused, standing still on the step, and said, “Thank you.” 

He came around a few days later and we talked about what happened. We apologized, forgave, and had next steps to avoid this from happening again.  

How can you extend grace to your spouse? Can you be like James and be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger?  Jesus gave us grace. He knew we will make mistakes, fall short, and not always get it right. He loves us through it all. We can do the same thing for our spouse. Loving them through it all whether they get it right or not. Take James’ advice and see how communication coated in God’s grace could make your marriage stronger and perhaps less frustrating.

If this encouraged you, check out more articles from our Flatirons Spiritual Formation Team for practical tools, encouragement, and ways to grow in your faith and leadership. Click here.