Leading with Love, Following with Trust
My wife would be the first to tell you I haven’t always led my marriage or family well. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I’ve kept working on them.
For some people, leadership and submission can bring up past hurts or experiences where these things weren't modeled well. Talking about leadership and submission in the household often causes people to put up walls, but that’s not what it was intended to do. Much of the issue comes from not fully understanding the Scriptures. Many believe it means the man makes all the decisions and gets whatever he wants while the woman just goes along with it, but that’s not the picture Scripture paints.
What does leadership and submission really look like in a God-honoring home?
A leader is one who goes first and is held to a higher standard (James 3:1). He’s called to serve, protect, and provide for those in his care.
“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8 NKJV)
Jesus gave us a picture of leadership when He washed His disciples’ feet, a job reserved for the lowest servant. He led by serving. He led with love, humility, respect, and a servant’s heart. A godly leader should also pursue God with such a fervent heart that others see it and want to follow.
Early in our marriage, I argued to win, and tried to accept as little fault as possible. As I’ve grown in my walk with Jesus, I’ve focused more on the fact that when we married, we became one flesh. Paul put it this way:
“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28, NASB1995).
I realized that when my wife hurts, I hurt, and vice versa. When one of us struggles, the other can be their encourager. Winning arguments is far less important than resolving issues and getting back to a good place… together.
Sometimes going first as the leader means apologizing first. I’ve found that often leads to a good resolution.
Early in our marriage, I read the verse about not letting the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26). We agreed that if we argued at night, we wouldn’t go to sleep without resolving it.
It frustrated me when my wife wanted to take a break and leave the room. I just wanted to keep arguing until we worked it out so I could get some sleep. But often, taking a break was exactly what we needed.
During those breaks, I’d ask God to show me my fault in the argument. Often, He showed me exactly what I needed to apologize for.
First Peter 3:7 tells husbands that our prayers may be hindered if we don’t live with our wives in an understanding way and give them honor. To understand, we must first listen. Giving honor means we’re not seeking it all for ourselves. We’re lifting them up and putting them first.
Wives are called to submit to their husbands and show them respect. As a husband, I find it difficult to lead when my wife isn’t willing to follow. The team doesn’t work well if there isn’t a humble heart in both parties.
My wife doesn’t always like it when I disagree with her, but I’m not disagreeing to be mean. Sometimes I genuinely believe another approach would be better for our family. Yet there have been many times when, after discussing things further, she made good points and I chose her idea over mine.
When I bring decisions to my wife, ask for her thoughts, and genuinely consider her perspective, she feels seen, respected, and loved. She’s far more willing to follow my leadership when she knows I’m considering what’s best for her and our family.
My wife has told me that when I lead this way, there’s something in her core nature that wants to follow me.
A husband’s leadership should always be focused on serving, protecting, and providing for those God has entrusted to his care. But even the best leader can’t lead effectively if those he’s leading aren’t willing to follow. A God-honoring marriage requires both a husband willing to lead with love and humility and a wife willing to follow with trust and respect.
Ask God what you need to change to love, respect, and serve your spouse better; then work on whatever comes to mind.
If this encouraged you, check out more articles from our Flatirons Spiritual Formation Team for practical tools, encouragement, and ways to grow in your faith and leadership. Click here.